Here, my dear folks, in this one post, you are going to witness my slow descent into madness.
This thing right here will be this blog’s magnum opus.
[Dorkleer grabs the nearest liquor bottle available.]
Let’s do this.
Marianne Vantas is a silver-blooded troll aged six sweeps, or thirteen human years. She prefers to be called Mari, and will answer only to that name. She will blatantly ignore someone if they call her Marianne, unless they are someone very important to her, like her father (biological or adoptive), or someone filling her Pale and Red quadrants. She has metallic silver blood due to being a human-troll hybrid. It is believed her father is the Grand Highblood or possibly Dualscar, as hybrids take the form of their father. Her mother is unknown, but it is theorized that she and Rose Lalonde share the same mother, Mom Lalonde, though this is unconfirmed and only a theory, as well as quite unlikely since they share no physical or personality traits. She could possibly have a different human for a mother, but definite names are unknown.
First, this thing has a human name, that the creator didn’t even bother to make six letters long, and ALSO a canon last name! And she doesn’t even have the Cancer symbol, nubby horns or candy red blood to match it! Wow!
[Dorkleer takes a shot.]
Then, we have an impossible mutation. It goes beyond mere “black” or “white” blood. It’s not even grey. It’s goddamn metallic silver. Something that not only is canonically inaccurate to hell and back, but that is also biologically impossible, because no oxygen-binding protein can possess that colour due to there not being literally ANY oxide (metal or nonmetal) that are grey, and much less GLOSSY, METALLIC SILVER.
[Dorkleer takes another shot.]
She also seems to have fathers! Both biological AND adoptive! Even though trolls not only don’t know the concept of family beyond their bestial caretakers and MAYBE, TO SOME EXENT, their ancestors.
[Dorkleer takes a swig.]
Wow, will you look at this? Ms. Special Snowflake is a troll-human hybrid, even though that shit is not even close to possible, because that’s like trying to breed a man-sized butterfly with a gorilla, and completely ignoring the fact that trolls not only don’t give birth to living young themselves, but also that they shouldn’t have any contact with humans to begin with! AND they also gave a bullshit explanation to her blood colour as well! You guys, let’s poke some Zorses, let’s see if they bleed any colour other than red.
[Dorkleer takes a long swig.]
Then, we have… canon “~”~”~”paaaarents”~”~”~”, even though not only both Dualscar and the Grand Highblood were dead by the time Mom was alive, but also, like I said before, it’s a big ‘ole load a cattlebeast droppings.
[Dorkleer takes three consecutive shots.]
Mari was found, abandoned, by the Signless/Sufferer and the Dolorosa, and since the Signless took the responsibility of raising her as a young troll, similar to what the Dolorosa did, Mari was given his surname, Vantas.
This girl has some backstory on her, alright! Even more canon interference, yeah! A preacher that had better stuff to do than rescuing some random freak of nature and an old ladytroll who is already a fugitive not only because she associates with a lawless troll, but also because she stole a MUTANT grub from the caverns and raised him, both raising a deformed, nightmaresque spawn that would make Medusa into a slab of stone, aw hell motherfucking yeah!
[Dorkleer downs bottle, eats glass.]
Being a silver-blood, she possesses traits that only silver bloods possess, namely the ability to change her blood color and caste to mimic those of other castes, ranging from the burgundy bloods, like Aradia, to the fuschia bloods, like Feferi, or essentially the entire hemospectrum, including the extinct (?) limebloods. She spends most of her time looking like a Vantas, since she was raised by the Signless, though here she is depicted without horns. In this form, it is a mix between her Vantas form and Natural, silver blooded form. She has gills in all forms, and instead of being on her neck, they are one her sides, where grubscars would normally be. She is also a rainbow drinker, due to her ability to become a jade-blood.
"Being a silverblood" nothing, miss! Being a silverblood is a crime. You’re under arrest. And so is your caste-changing troll, because biology doesn’t work that way. It takes eons of evolution for a species to go from an oxygen-binding protein to another, and even if it were, for some fucked-up reason, possible, that’s hella overpowered.
Also, what’s with the damn “(?)” shit between “extinct” and “limeblood”? Are you seriously doubting the complete and absolute inexistence of them due to a very thorough eradication? Cut it.
[Dorkleer grabs another bottle, bites cap off.]
She shouldn’t look like a Vantas! The Vantas family is canon-exclusive and making your shitty OC related to them is a Sueish move! Also, they’re mutants and fugitives. Her looking like one of them is a huge neon sign that says “I’m a criminal, please make me into lusus kibble”.
[Dorkleer takes a dainty little sip.]
Mary Sue sprinkles for the Mary Sue Sprinkle God. Only violet- and fuchsiabloods can have gills, any other caste that possesses them is considered a mutant and is terminated on sight (not that we needed anymore proof that she’s a damn cullworthy mutant). Same with the rainbowdrinker thing, that’s a jadeblood-exclusive thing, as far as we’ve been told in canon. Also, grubscars are a damn fanon concept that I hate with every fiber of my grotesquely muscular frame. Pupation makes insects LIQUEFY INSIDE THEIR PUPAE and REBUILD THEMSELVES FROM SEMITRANSPARENT GREEN INSECT GOOP. They don’t just grow neat little wingsies and antennae. Thinking that trolls just morph their bodies and that their third pair of legs just melts into them shows a clear lack of understanding of how insects work.
[Dorkleer just fucks it, downs half a bottle.]
Her Natural form does not have horns, and appears to be of Ancestor age, even though she is only about six sweeps, or thirteen human years, while the other Ancestors are likely in their mid-teen sweeps, or between the ages of thirty and forty human years. She also stands taller than the Grand Highblood in her natural form.
If your character doesn’t have horns, you can’t call her a troll. In fact, even if she HAD horns, you couldn’t call her a troll, because that’s like calling an eight-finned, red-skinned echinoderm that vaguely resembles a dolphin an actual dolphin.
[Dorkleer gargles booze.]
"Ancestor age", what the hell is "ancestor age"? My mom is fiftysomething and she’s my ancestor. My grandma is ninetysomething and she’s my ancestor as well. If a girl had a son at 18 years of age and her son had a daughter at 18 years of age, the 34-year-old first woman is the last girl’s ancestor. Plus, the concept of "ancestors" on troll society is defined by whether they did or didn’t pass on their genes properly. If a troll is hella sweeps old and never spawned anything from their loins, that troll is a walking carcass, but not an ancestor. Just say that she looks like an adult, you Mary Sue apologist.
I’m not even gonna comment on her size comparison with the Grand Highblood, because we don’t even have canon confirmation for his size, just an image that makes him look menancing. And even if it were canon, she’s still an overpowered little shit.
[Dorkleer snorts booze.]
Mari is usually quite nice to the people she meets, though is very outspoken and is never afraid to voice her opinions. She is not shy in the least, and will often ask questions that make other trolls and humans blush. She will become violent if provoked, or if her family or friends are messed with. She becomes especially violent when the Signless is challenged or her “brothers,” Kanrki and Karkat Vantas, are called out because of their mutant blood.
Mari Sue is the most boring character ever and has the worst and most overdone combination of character traits ever given to a single character.
Nice and good characters with a “violent side, desu” make me want to vomit. And so do trolls with family members.
In fact, I think I’m gonna vomit right now.
[Dorkleer just fucking pukes like the disgusting alcoholic I’ve become.]
Mari’s “mutation” of sorts, and her ability to change caste, allows her to have caste-specific abilities, like psionics, chuckle-voodoo, and telekinesis. She does not need to be in the forms of the caste that has these abilites, but doing so makes those abilities stronger and more powerful, as well as more easily controlled. She also has the ability to wield any weapon, whether it be clubs, a trident, a whip, a katana, or dual pistols. She can even wield the Ahab’s Crosshairs with little difficulty. Her specific strife deck is unknown, but she is believed to have something quite similar to Kurloz’s “Jokerkind” strife deck. She prefers to fight with long knives, usually referred to as “dirks,” and also keeps much smaller knives concealed on her body at all times. She has an expert throwing arm, and uses her small knives to throw at enemies from a distance while she uses her dirks in close-range or hand-to-hand combat.
Don’t you “”“”quotation marks ~mutation~”“”” me, miss. Your troll is so damn mutated it baffles me how you can still call her a troll and keep a straight face. You overpowered little shit. She has every psychic power conceivable and can also wield every weapon ever created and carries an arsenal that would put the US army to shame with her everytime. What else? Do her farts smell like freshly-baked cupcakes? If you slurp her boogers you sprout angel wings? Her queefs can cure cancer?
[Dorkleer fucks it once again, gets blood replaced with alcohol via an IV.]
Her God Tier title is Witch of Blood, but she has a second soul of sorts known as the “Prophet of Death.” This Prophet allows her to see future events, and on occasion, past events. These visions have saved her life on more than one occasion, though sometimes the Prophet will take over, leaving Mari unable to control herself. In these “Prophet fits,” she will often paint visions on the walls. If she runs out of paint, she will often change her blood color and use that to paint. She is normally relatively harmless when she is the “Prophet,” but depending on what her visions tell her to do, she will kill people so that her timeline can be successful.
And you just have to keep on making her more and more special, right? It’s not enough with your plain old normally-powered troll, you just have to keep on doing it, you just have to keep on doing it, you just have to keep on doing it.
I can’t even begin to conceive a glitch that fucks SGRUB up so DAMN BAD that gives her another God Tier title. Sollux had bipolar disorder in canon, and the MOST he got was a dual dreamself on Derse and Prospit. What makes her so special that she NEEDS to get a second title? It’s not even the right ammount of syllabes and sounds just so edgy, shitfuckingdammit! And don’t even get me started on the fact that what she just described isn’t a ~~~Prophet of Desu~~~ or whatever, it’s just a damn Mage of Doom.
And of course, she has to have *br00tal desu* episodes to show just how ~dramatically~ she’s transformed and how ^^^powerful^^ she becomes. I’m legit tapping my keys with the utmost care so that I don’t cut myself with all this unnecessary prefabricated edge.
[Dorkleer becomes booze to a molecular level.]
Mari enjoys a variety of interests, including painting, music (instrumental and vocal), fighting (martial-arts, namely, but also weaponized fighting), and fashion design. She has an entire room in her hive dedicated to nothing but each of these different interests, and often spends her time in her hive with her friends. She is moirails with Aradia Megido, matesprits with Eridan Ampora, kismesis with Vriska Serket, and auspisticizes for Vriska Serket and Aradia Megido.
And now, the cherry on top of this steaming, diarrheic shitdae: a bunch of likes that don’t add to her personality at all and make her even more bland. Clearly, it’s not enough to make her biologically overpowered, the creator also had to give her mastery in every little thing she could find, even fashion design! Even though trolls don’t even like fashion save for very few exceptions! Fuck me sideways with a rusty cleaver, yeah!
[Dorkleer takes up a new identity. I am now boozekin. Dri/drin/drink/drinkself pronouns, please and thank you.]
And… and finally, we have… we have even more canon interference… this time, in the form of filled quadrants. I’m just… gonna disregard the fact that she has canon characters in her quadrants for a moment… and focus on the fact that it wouldn’t be even remotely possible for her to have to have met them, because if she WAS, INDEED, RAISED BY THE SIGNLESS, not only she would have died of natural causes long ago (even though I wouldn’t put it past the creator to make her immortal, TO TOP IT OFF), but also she would’ve been executed along with him not only because she was a follower of his cult, but also because she’s a filthy, disgusting, lowly mutant.
Plus, Aradia was already in an “unofficial” moiraillegiance of sorts with Tavros through the Team Charge. Eridan had his eye on Feferi for his flushed quadrant. Vriska was already in a kismesistude with Eridan. Vriska and Aradia were never in a kismesistude, so they wouldn’t requite an auspistice. Auspistices are only needed when two kismeses become too dangerous. If two trolls actually want to kill eachother (like Vriska and Aradia) instead of equal parts fighting and humping eachother, then they aren’t in a kismesistude, and therefore don’t require anyone to auspistice between them.
[Dorkleer has trascended humanity and become a nebula-like cloud of pure alcohol in suspension, floating through space and spreading hate through otherwise pure galaxies.]
Her Trolltag/Chumhandle is musicalMutant (where you can access me on the Pesterchum app)!
This troll made me so sad and angry, because I know it’s true. The creator actually believes all of this is both possible and a good idea. The rest of her trolls are simmilar, to varying degrees, but this one is the plain worst. Both hers and that I’ve ever found without them being a joke character.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll weakly drag myself to the medical ward to treat this cirrhosis I’ve given myself and sign up for detox.
- Officer Dorkleer (RIP)